“Having the chance to play sports growing up teaches you all kinds of life lessons. It gives young people confidence and instils in them motivation and drive to be the best one can be. It’s absolutely invaluable.” —April Ross

In my opinion, there is nothing better for teaching life lessons than sport. It provides continual opportunities for life lessons to help children grow and develop as human beings while preparing them for the world and their eventual independence.

Used properly, sports can help develop great attitudes and behaviours such as competitiveness, sportsmanship, leadership, teamwork, hard work and commitment. It can also help with dealing with the emotions of successes and failures and that, although life isn’t always fair, it’s their responsibility to react to it in the right way for an eventual positive outcome. The opportunities are endless. Some happen naturally, and some need adult help to point them out and guide them along the way.

Football is not about being the best or getting signed at a pro club but about using the lessons it teaches to help children be the best people they can be. Never miss any of these opportunities, and never damage the impact of these lessons by taking shortcuts or living vicariously through your child. Never blame external factors for not winning or for your child not being where you would like them to be at any particular time of their development. They are always exactly where they are supposed to be based on the adult influences around them and their own intrinsic motivators. You can’t change their intrinsic motivators, but you can certainly change your own attitude and behaviours to develop the correct culture and environment for your child to be the best they can be, both on and off the field of play.

Life lessons work both ways, and sports can also, unfortunately, nurture some bad habits and behaviours like a fixed mindset, cheating, taking shortcuts, bad sportsmanship, egocentricity, narcissism, and inability to deal with emotions and failure. Please look at every action and decision you make and ask yourself whether you are using sport to help your child learn great life lessons and positive behaviours or are inadvertently using it to develop negative ones.

Nothing else really matters other than this. Having a room full of trophies and hundreds of social media posts of how proud you are pale into insignificance compared to the pride you will feel of your son or daughter if they turn out to be a fantastic adult who is a good person with confidence, drive and enthusiasm for achieving things in life. Don’t ruin that chance by making terrible decisions based on your own wants and needs.

One of the great aspects of playing sports at the youth level is that children get the opportunity to deal with different adults who aren’t their family or teachers. It’s good for them to see that adults have very different personalities, opinions and characteristics. There will be opportunities throughout their football journey for your child to discuss their progress and concerns directly with their coach. Please encourage them to do so, and don’t let them miss out on these opportunities for life lessons. They will never learn how to deal successfully with adults, even when they become adults themselves, if they run to you to sort it out every time they have a problem. If your child has any concerns about their football or wants to know why they are being asked to play in a certain position or in a certain way, then encourage them to ask the coach themselves. Help them with their approach. The timing has always got to be right, and they always need to be respectful. Children have the right to play, and they have the right to know why things are done in certain ways. They have the right to have an opinion and for their voice to be heard. It can be very annoying for a coach if a child continually questions them and offers opinions, though. Don’t forget that coaches are more often than not voluntarily giving up their time, so there’s a correct way for questions to be asked and feedback sought. If they want to speak to the coach, encourage them to ask for a convenient time for a chat. Take an interest in their opinion and even roleplay the conversation with your child to help them build confidence and be specific in what they are asking and in what they are trying to achieve. This only applies to footballing issues. Any safeguarding issues need to be brought to your attention immediately and dealt with by you through the correct channels and in the correct manner.

To have an opportunity for your child to learn the life lesson that sometimes life is unfair, life sucks, and disappointment happens is priceless. It’s difficult as we all want what’s best for our children, but learning how to deal with setbacks and disappointment is vital. Guiding them to react positively and helping them to take responsibility is the key. Character is everything; football is just football.

The opportunities for life lessons and character building that sports can offer are fuelled and sustained by enjoyment. On a continuum scale, with playing simply for enjoyment on one side and competition on the other, life lessons are found on the bit in between, and children need to be moved along that scale, depending on the individual. It’s a constant change of flux. On one side, all children should play for fun and be completely protected. On the other side, it’s more about winning and results. In terms of life lessons and character building, being completely on one side is not good.

Children cope with setbacks in different ways. They can shy away, get angry, frustrated, cry, shout, throw their hands in the air, blame, stop trying and even sabotage games. I think a resilient child is one who is aware of these emotions and learns how to not let them affect their behaviour negatively or impact the things that are within their control. An example of resilient behaviour is a player who keeps getting on the ball despite having made mistakes or when their team is losing. Resilience is the ability to be aware of your emotions in reaction to circumstances, recognise those behaviours, and control them to the extent that it doesn’t impact negatively.

Some children really struggle with their emotions. These children need to be helped to learn coping strategies and practice them in a safe sporting environment. We need to let children know that they’re being challenged and why. They need to know that emotions are absolutely fine, that everyone has them, and that they are different for everyone. Sport is a fantastic environment for children to learn how to cope with their emotions so that they don’t overwhelm them and affect them negatively. They don’t have to fight their emotions, just to be aware of them and know that they are normal, necessary, and can be controlled to not negatively impact the world around them or their state of flow.

If they struggle with anger, for example, we can help them recognise it, anchor themselves, and move on to still perform in whatever situation or context, despite their emotions. They can do this by sticking to the script, the plan, the task, the process or the objective. It is not about, and should never be about, suppressing or even ignoring thoughts and emotions. It’s about noting, recognising, and not letting them control or impact them negatively. More about scripts can be found in Chapter 52.

Parents and coaches can help children understand and be aware of their emotions (mindfulness) by talking about them and explaining that they are normal. You can help them develop coping strategies to anchor themselves so that they don’t become overpowered with breathing techniques and help them concentrate on the things they can control (there is more about controlling the controllable in Chapter 51). I am not qualified in this area; I only write from personal experience and research, so it is worth researching further and getting professional advice yourself. Negative and positive emotions can both affect a child’s focus and state of mind. It is beneficial for them to be aware of all states and how to not let them control them and lose focus. It’s the practice of getting into the flow and staying in the flow. Flow is where physical and emotional aspects are aligned to create the optimal state of performance. It is often referred to as being in the zone and can feel effortless.

Developing sportsmanship in players is very important. Children should play by the rules whilst respecting officials and adults. Players need to respect their teammates and opposition. They should be trying to win whilst also trying to make their teammates play better. They should show humility in both defeat and victory. They should never make excuses and not let emotions such as anger overwhelm them. Try to develop these characteristics and behaviours by leading by example yourself.

As a coach or parent, think about your end game. What are you trying to achieve? What are your values and principles? What do you want children to become as adults? Picture them and your hopes for them. What characteristics would you want them to have? Now, work backwards and ask yourself if your actions match your vision. Find out what the child wants. It is their journey, after all. Is everybody involved in their development matching their actions to the child’s own end game? There is more about goal setting in Chapter 81.

Obviously, not all children have the potential to “make it” to a professional level, but they all have the potential to have an impact on the world in some way. That means that developing good people with good character and personality is by far the most important factor. Unfortunately, the pursuit of “making it” often damages everything else.

“You cannot change the past and you can influence the future only by what you do today.” —Coach John Wooden

This blog was taken from my book, Did You Win, Did You Score…? How to Help Your Child Succeed at Football and Life.

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