Where you going Charlie...?
With Charlie Webster signing for Burton Albion today I thought I’d share a chapter from my book about Charlie and his dad when he played for my team at U9s…
“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity.” —Nat Turner
I thought I’d share this little story with you to highlight the importance of communication between parents and coaches.
Charlie Webster, now one of England’s rising stars of the game, was in my Under 9s team at the time of the incident. We were playing a friendly match at our home ground, and I wanted to use the time to give all the players some individual challenges and get as much out of it as possible. Even as an 8-year-old, Charlie used to get singled out for attention by opposition teams. He used to glide effortlessly with the ball, a product of an accumulation of hours and hours of purposeful practice, coupled with a freedom to express himself, which meant teams would often put two or three players on him to try to stop him. It wasn’t always part of any sort of team plan; sometimes, opposition players were just attracted to him like a magnet when he had the ball, fully aware, even at a young age, that if they were going to be successful, then Charlie needed to be stopped somehow.
During one of the breaks—I think we were playing four quarters—I asked Charlie how he thought he could help the team despite always having more than one player around him. With a bit of guidance from me, he decided that he could take those players away from the others to make space for his teammates. So, the plan was agreed that he would take their players to places they didn’t want to be to create space for the others and then use the ball wisely to take advantage of the space. The plan was working perfectly. Charlie, bright as a button as always, was drawing players towards him and releasing the ball to his teammates in acres of space. But just as I was thinking I was a football genius, like us managers sometimes do, and Charlie was heading for the corner of the pitch with three opponents chasing him, his father, Clive, suddenly shouts out, “Where you going, Charlie?” We’ve chatted about this many times and laughed about it since, but my recollection is that after the third time he shouted it out, my blood overboiled, and I shouted back, “Leave him alone—let him play!” After all, he was in danger of ruining my master plan, and the ego didn’t like it! Clive didn’t take too kindly to my response, so there was a little bit of tit-for-tat comments shouted across the pitch while the game was going ahead. There we were, two grown men who both wanted the very best for Charlie, arguing in front of everyone. Not my finest hour.
After the game, Clive came striding over and asked “for a word,” and we had a full-on row behind my van so nobody could see. Football can often bring the worst out in people, and I thought I had the moral high ground. All this could have been avoided if I had communicated better with the parents from the start. If I had told them of my plan to give them challenges, Clive might have been more aware of the situation and not worried when Charlie ran the ball into the corners and was chased by opponents. I’m sure Clive would agree that he could have communicated his frustrations better as well by not shouting out and leaving it until after the game. I have to be careful here, though, as I know he’ll read this book, and he’s much bigger than me!
Luckily, Clive and I had developed a very good relationship over the years, and after a couple of apologetic texts later, we scheduled to meet for a coffee the next day and chat about all things football and put our little spat to bed. Firm friends again. From then on our communication was much better and I tried to improve how and what I communicated to the parents of all the players going forward. Getting invited by Clive, many years later, to attend Charlie’s debut for England as a guest of the family was one of the proudest moments of my life.
So, whether you are a parent, guardian, or coach, reading this. Always develop good relationships and lines of communication with everyone involved. I should have told the parents that day that the players were going to be given individual challenges, Clive should not have shouted out, and both of us should not have reacted the way we did. Lessons learned for us.
Learning to communicate positively with your child’s coach is very important. Ask questions, but don’t dictate or demand things, such as playing your child in certain positions. And certainly, don’t be one of those parents who tries to become really friendly so they can be clever and manipulate things. I’ve known a few of those along the way!
It’s important for you to be involved in your child’s development, and this is always best if you can build a relationship with the coach. Trust is very important between you, so never break trust by complaining to someone else about anything. Choose a team very wisely. A manager will have a massive impact on your child’s life. Find out the values and beliefs the coach has, and if they fit in with yours, trust them as much as possible to get on with it. Trust has to work both ways. Also, try to build good relationships with other parents. Always offer to help out and be friendly.
You’ve got every right to discuss your child’s progress with the manager, but don’t go overboard with it and make sure you pick the right times. A good rule is to never discuss anything directly after a game or when you’re feeling mad, bad or sad. Coaches can get very attached to their team and the players, so take their feelings into consideration before you let loose on how they let everyone down today because they got the tactics wrong! I promise you that if you go on the attack, they will only go on the defensive, and you’ll achieve nothing at all.
I had a player whose dad would phone me every Monday morning to chat about the game at the weekend. Some of these calls would go on for over an hour as he would play on my love of the game and the pride I had in my team. Eventually, I used to ignore the calls and ring him back when I was out walking my dog. It all got a bit much in the end, but he would get upset if I didn’t speak to them. He used to try and manipulate me into getting their child extra playing time or to play in their “best” position of centre midfield. It’s no coincidence it’s the same position that he used to play in himself. In the end, the dad pulled their child out of the team to take them to a new elite team to try and get him scouted for a pro club. After all those hours on the phone, I just got a simple text to say they were leaving. The lad went on to get dragged around loads of different clubs, and in the end, his dad actually got banned from watching him play by at least one of them along the way. I used to get calls from other managers asking me about him. His behaviour had clearly spiralled out of control. I liked the lad very much, but his dad was a terrible role model. A good lesson to everyone, though, of how passion can quickly turn toxic if you’re not careful.
Don’t feel that it’s necessary to constantly text the manager either. The number of times I’ve just sat down to my tea or just gone to bed when someone will text. If you do have to ask something, it is always best in person or by phone call, but always at a good time, not at 10 p.m. on a Saturday or Sunday evening! Always refrain from putting any grievances or asking anything controversial on group services like WhatsApp. I have seen arguments escalate to levels I never thought possible, and I even had to take a break once and remove myself for a while. It’s not quite as serious, but a pet hate of mine has always been parents messaging to ask if a game is still on. Unless your manager has a history of forgetting to tell you, and you have turned up when nobody else has been there, please trust that if a game is off, they will tell you immediately.
Good relationships with coaches and other parents really do create a fantastic platform for everyone to enjoy the experience more and for players to go on and fulfil their potential.
This blog was taken from my book, Did You Win, Did You Score…? How to Help Your Child Succeed at Football and Life.
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